Staying Alive
I hope this email finds you well. No, really.
"She's COVID positive now."
I saw the text on Whatsapp yesterday in the middle of a work day, switched the tab to what I was working on, and replied to the text a few minutes later, almost on auto-pilot. Today, when I found out that a few of extended family had tested positive, I paused the latest episode of "The Crown," asked perfunctory questions, and hit play again.
I know a "must-go-on" attitude is the surest way to sanity in 2020. In a year that has robbed us of so much of the familiar, I know we must hold on the last dregs of routine like our lives depend on it. Because, in a way, they do.
But, I worry that like soldiers stuck in WW II — in what seemed then to be an endless and overwhelming war — we're being fundamentally rewired. To become robot-like stoics, in the face of grief and crisis. Well, unprecedented crisis as the news keeps reminding us. In some people, that stoicism has transformed to recklessness. ("Arre, koi nahin ab theek ho gaya sab!") In some, it has become a firm denial. ("I was so creatively productive in 2020!") A heroic few are seeing the battle up close everyday, and still, somehow, finding the courage to fight another day. (Doctors, nurses, frontline workers, heroes.)
A few days ago, I saw a prompt format trend on Twitter. "What's something you're proud of in 2020?" I thought of the fleeting terror I feel when I inadvertently see daily deaths; and the fleeting joy of talking to my friend, S, on a video call on the urgent matter of how convent schools are terrible.
I didn't tweet my answer, then. But here's what I would have said.
“Staying alive.”
(Photograph by Vivian Maier. A stunning photographer who was an American nanny all her life. She left behind a treasure trove of negatives after her death, and the world discovered a brilliant talent. Do check out the documentary “Finding Vivian Maier” if you haven't yet. It's fascinating!)
I know what you're thinking. How is this newsletter always …filled with despair? Which, fair. I don't know what it says about me, but I am always most compelled to write when angry or introspective. But a joyous dispatch comes your way soon.
I'm also trying to get back to Sunday-a-newsletter rhythm. Just to hold on to a dreg of routine, no? So I'll see you on Sunday, with links of the week and a more ~professional approach.
Substack newsletters are slowly becoming a Thing People Are Earning From. But as older subscribers would know, I'm a TinyLetter alumni, so I'm still holding out on figuring out a “brand” for this. (And writing this to you from my phone actually hah, like it's 2000s blogging days again.)
As always, I’m a “Reply” away.
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I will write again, soon.